Quotable Quotes

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, ‘Lillian, you should have remained a virgin.’

– Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered.  But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: – ‘No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.’

– Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen.

I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.

– Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;   
and to have the two as close together as possible.

– George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea.  Visit people only once a year.

– Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books.  You may die of a misprint.

– Mark Twain


By all means, marry.  If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one,

you’ll become a philosopher.

– Socrates


I was married by a judge.  I should have asked for a jury.

– Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech.  Every now and then she stops to breathe.

– Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:

alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

– Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

– Rodney Dangerfield


Money can’t buy you happiness …. But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

– Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was  SHUT UP   .

– Joe Namath


I don’t feel old.  I don’t feel anything until noon.  Then it’s time for my nap.

– Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

– W. C. Fields


We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.

– Will Rogers


Don’t worry about avoiding temptation.  As you grow older, it will avoid you.

– Winston Churchill


Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out,

fall out, or spread out.

– Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.

– Billy Crystal

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1 Response to Quotable Quotes

  1. Jack Gilman says:

    Cute , I think I might go back to bed and try waking up again. Happy haying


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